Ineffective

I am an ineffective human.  Ineffective and ineffectual.  And frankly, I’m sick of it. 

It took me two months to hem the edges of the pants Mom made for the kids. I know this because she gave them to me on my October trip to get my braces done. I finally finished them up two weeks after my following trip, where she gave me two more pairs to finish the waistbands on. All in all it took me less than an hour to finish up 4 pairs of pants once I finally got started.

I've booked most of those flights back to Calgary within two weeks of my departure date (even when I've known where I was going to be weeks and weeks in advance) simply because I just didn't get on it.  

There are several projects around here which I either haven’t started or have barely started and then left. Things like decorating, hanging pictures and personalizing the place. Instead, it looks nearly the same as when we bought it. The kids both want their room painted. They even gathered paint chips, and yet, their room is still the color it began as. 

Then there are maintenance things. I didn't get around to re-caulking the split seams on the trailer way back when I first noticed the splitting and now we have water damage on our wardrobe slide-out. All it would have taken was a nice day and about 30 minutes. By the time we did get it re-caulked in Penticton, damage was done, and water was actually sealed inside in the process. Now, it will take a bit more work. (I actually got started on this one this week! I've stripped the sealant and it is drying nicely in the desert air.) 

Don’t even get me started on the “personal growth” kind of things I thought I’d be doing while traveling.

You’d think that I’d have all the time in the world to get things done, explore interests and be creative and yet the days seem to disappear in a blur of schoolwork, meals, kid bedtimes and wasted time. By bedtime I feel like I've gotten nowhere; accomplished nothing. 

And I don’t take advantage of those times during the day when I could be doing something productive, creative or just plain relaxing. Some of it is lack of planning. Some of it is inertia or perhaps apathy. There seems to be a healthy dose of illogical guilt in there too (of not spending every minute entertaining or educating my children or of imposing my activity wishes upon the family, or of doing something just for me).

And so I let the day pass me by because I don’t actually know how make a decision and then execute it. 

Truth be told, I’m not so good at making decisions. And yet, everyone seems to think I know what I’m doing and so they look to me to make the decisions. News flash: I haven’t a bloody clue what I’m doing.  I’m just making it up as I go along. Ineffectively, I might add.

Took me 20 minutes to decide what I wanted for lunch today. I wasn't trying to be difficult. Just couldn't figure it out.

Can’t someone else make the decisions?

(Oh yeah, that’s a great way to live!)

There’s another facet to this too – an entirely personal one. I think I've forgotten how to live for myself. How to enjoy life, make goals and move towards them. I'm not sure I ever knew how.

Sure, I can accomplish tasks that have deadlines or need to be done in a timely manner, no problem (school submissions, feeding people, getting laundry done, etc.). But when it comes to doing something that I think would be enjoyable or provide a sense of accomplishment (and doesn't have to be a big thing), even when I have the time, energy & means to make it happen, somehow, many times, I just don’t pull the trigger and make sure it happens. And then there’s the guilt I feel when I do actually do whatever it was I was planning on doing. (Especially when my family stares at me like I've grown another head. Why are you painting Mommy?  Why are you sewing?  The simple “What are you doing?” or “Where are you going? sentences can start the guilt flowing.)

Now what’s up with that!?

I remember a University friend commenting on it. Can’t remember the exact words, but the gist of it went something like: “When it comes to your work you’re fierce, standing up for yourself, but when it’s for you, you just give up.” Over ten years later, the pattern hasn't changed.

And it’s got to change. For my own mental health and that of everyone around me. 

Changing isn't an easy process though. It’s so easy to stay in the self-destructive, familiar grooves (one could perhaps say “rut”) that I've been in for longer than I care to admit. But the alternative is no longer acceptable. 

P.S. Four-and-a-half months and I've finally taken the inside pictures to put up on the Truck & Trailer page.  Will get them loaded as soon as I get some good WiFi – I promise!